A Change of Direction

Its been a while since I last posted something on here. Time has quietly passed on here for a number of reasons.
Firstly because we (finally!!) moved house and we had no internet.
And secondly because I didn’t know how or what to write. And at times I didn’t want to write. Because writing it down, or saying it out loud, somehow makes it more real.
 
So here goes…
 
ivf is our only option. We have one shot left of making a baby.
 
I know we are EXTREMELY lucky to qualify for funding. There is actually no physical way we could afford to pay for this ourselves.
 
There is an 18 month waiting list, so our one chance has been allocated to April 2015
 
Right now 2015 seems like a whole lifetime away but Grant and I are going to take this in our stride. We have been talking about how good it is, how it means we can really prepare ourselves (as much as possible) emotionally, physically, financially for this. There’s also talk of a wee holiday which makes me excited.
 
So we’ve known for a couple of weeks but we’ve really only started telling family and friends (the ones who are already in the know about our journey) these last couple of days, because its hard to tell people to say the words out loud, some days its just hard to talk about and it can be hard to carry their reaction/one thousand questions as well. 
 
Its hard knowing that our hopes, dreams and desires rest on this one shot in 2015.
 
I’ve been working on letting it go, and for the first time feel like I’m actually letting it go and not just talking about letting go. I guess its easier to let go when you no longer have anything to control.
 
I’ve stopped tracking my cycle for ‘getting pregnant’ purposes.
I have also stopped trying to time our ‘relations’ for when I think I’m ovulating.
I’ve stopped taking herbal supplements.
I’ve stopped monitoring my sugar/bad food intake. (Yes Im still going to manage what I eat and be healthy, but not for the purposes of getting pregnant.)
I’ve also given away all the baby stuff I was hoarding for my future children. I do this not in a defeatist way but have actually found it surprisingly liberating and its been nice giving away ‘the best’ things to my friends. To them its just another baby item, but to me it means so, so much more. I’m giving them my hopes, my dreams but also the ‘best’ designed items – because I would only ever have the best for my kids. And it hasn’t been as hard as I anticipated. It was harder thinking and deciding on doing it than actually doing it. Instead, I felt good giving it away, in a blessed kind of way.
 
I think I am finally starting to come to terms with the idea that we may never have children. Trust me, it got a little dark there in places. While I put on the happy, brave face, what was going on inside was a different story. And I understand that this is a journey, a process, and that some days I’m going to believe that I have reached the destination of acceptance and peace only to wake up the next day and realize I wasn’t at the destination, but rather at a rest stop along the way.
 
In one such dark space I started compiling a list of “I will never”
This was a list of all the things I will ‘miss out on’ because I am not a mother.
It was both a pity party and quite cathartic.
 
It was my intention to post it on here – my big whinge on all that was being robbed from me.
The day I was going to post it I was reading through some blogs that I follow and I read one entry who did the same thing, but made it thoroughly positive. Well damn.
It was a fun and entertaining list of all the things that were great about not being pregnant/having children.
Maybe one day I’ll write my own and post it on here.
 
While Grant and I are still on this infertility journey 2015 is a long way away and because of this I feel that the nature of my blog is going to change, is going to need to change. I don’t think I can go 18 months talking about infertility because I’m going to run out of things to say. We are still on this journey so I will still address what I’m thinking and feeling but I believe these types of posts will (read should) become less frequent.
 
I still believe that I am called to be someone who occupies hope and that I am to share this with others. I believe I can encourage others in their journeys. And this blog is one way in which I can do this. I’m not entirely sure of how this blog is going go but I’m going to take it one step at a time and see where I end up. I hope you will continue to come along for the ride.
 
Much love,
Anna.
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The Waiting Game

My Dad was away for a lot of my childhood, his work took him traveling around the world so when he was home he often wanted to rest or he had jobs to do and things to catch up on. So I clearly remember it was a surprise one rainy Saturday when he came to my brothers and I and suggested a game of monopoly. We eagerly agreed.

Things turned sour though when one of us decided we’d had enough and started counting the money to see who had the most (and therefore the winner.) Dad interrupted our counting to announce that a game didn’t end when you’ve had enough, the game ended when everyone, bar one player, was bankrupted.

A long game ensued. Loooooong. And painful.

And that’s how I’m feeling now.
It feels like everything is far more difficult than it should be. That this waiting is long and painful. And I just hope that it doesn’t end with emotional or spiritual bankruptcy.

I hate waiting.
I’m sick of being patient.
I’m tired of hearing scripture about patience.
Waiting sucks.
It’s long and painful.
The weeks are limping along and I hate wishing my days and my life away.

We have to wait at least a week and a half to find out if Grants second sample test attempt is good enough for oi injections or whether we will need to skip them and go straight to ivf. Because the specialist who makes that call has gone on holiday. (Lucky them)

If we do go on to ivf, it has an 18 month waiting list.

We’re also waiting two weeks to move into our new house because we can’t move in sooner for a host of reasons, one being that the moving truck is booked.

I’m so frustrated.
I just want to know now.
I want it all now.
I want to move now.

I’m feeling very impatient.

I understand that this could be seen as a good lesson in patience and trust in Gods timing. But it’s a lesson I don’t want to learn (stamps foot and tantrums enough to put a two year old to shame.)

I know God has perfect timing. I have seen it so many times. God has come through in ways I could never imagine. Most recently this has been with our house. At the time it felt like we were missing out on some great houses because the timing was all out. But now, on the other side of the waiting we can see how God has moved and how this house is so so perfect for us, more so than all the other houses we ‘fell in love with.’ This house is a complete blessing, I see that now. And I know deep down that this infertility journey is going to be a similar situation. I know God has perfect timing. I know he works all things for good. I know he has a plan for us. I just wish he’d hurry up about it.