The Waiting Game

My Dad was away for a lot of my childhood, his work took him traveling around the world so when he was home he often wanted to rest or he had jobs to do and things to catch up on. So I clearly remember it was a surprise one rainy Saturday when he came to my brothers and I and suggested a game of monopoly. We eagerly agreed.

Things turned sour though when one of us decided we’d had enough and started counting the money to see who had the most (and therefore the winner.) Dad interrupted our counting to announce that a game didn’t end when you’ve had enough, the game ended when everyone, bar one player, was bankrupted.

A long game ensued. Loooooong. And painful.

And that’s how I’m feeling now.
It feels like everything is far more difficult than it should be. That this waiting is long and painful. And I just hope that it doesn’t end with emotional or spiritual bankruptcy.

I hate waiting.
I’m sick of being patient.
I’m tired of hearing scripture about patience.
Waiting sucks.
It’s long and painful.
The weeks are limping along and I hate wishing my days and my life away.

We have to wait at least a week and a half to find out if Grants second sample test attempt is good enough for oi injections or whether we will need to skip them and go straight to ivf. Because the specialist who makes that call has gone on holiday. (Lucky them)

If we do go on to ivf, it has an 18 month waiting list.

We’re also waiting two weeks to move into our new house because we can’t move in sooner for a host of reasons, one being that the moving truck is booked.

I’m so frustrated.
I just want to know now.
I want it all now.
I want to move now.

I’m feeling very impatient.

I understand that this could be seen as a good lesson in patience and trust in Gods timing. But it’s a lesson I don’t want to learn (stamps foot and tantrums enough to put a two year old to shame.)

I know God has perfect timing. I have seen it so many times. God has come through in ways I could never imagine. Most recently this has been with our house. At the time it felt like we were missing out on some great houses because the timing was all out. But now, on the other side of the waiting we can see how God has moved and how this house is so so perfect for us, more so than all the other houses we ‘fell in love with.’ This house is a complete blessing, I see that now. And I know deep down that this infertility journey is going to be a similar situation. I know God has perfect timing. I know he works all things for good. I know he has a plan for us. I just wish he’d hurry up about it.

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No Man’s Land

The news is in. The results have arrived.
And I find myself in a strange place between hope and hopelessness. Its an odd place to be in. A state of not knowing how I feel. Or even how to respond or act. A place of almost fickleness. A constant moment of time where I’m trying to figure out how I feel about this and how I should be feeling. I find myself conscientiously thinking about how I am going to think and talk about it. Because thoughts become words which becomes belief and action.

In twenty minutes two pieces of news that wasn’t great.
Not bad or terrible. Just not great:

1. We don’t have the deposit amount we thought we needed or had for our house.
2. My blood test results weren’t great.

We need more money. More money requires more time. And I am past patient. I am past biding my time. I want my house and I want it now.

Yet.

Everything the broker man said made sense. The more money we save the better off we are in the long run. He talked so honestly and realistically. Which is exactly what I needed (but didn’t want) to hear.
More money. More time.
Big decisions for Grant and I on what we do now. Because we can go with our bank now or we can go with the broker later. It seems wiser to go with the broker. But we have to wait and save.

I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of hoping.
I’m tired of believing for something to be told yet again to wait, to run again, to take more time.

And then during this meeting the call comes.
My blood tests results aren’t great. My hormone levels just aren’t high enough.

But.

They are going to test again.
They are going to scan anyway.

And.

I have acupuncture appointment before the blood test and scan.

So there’s still hope.
A miracle can still happen.
All is not lost.

And yet.
I’m not sure I can hope again.
I’m not sure I can stay positive about this.

I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of hoping.
I’m tired of believing for something to be told yet again to wait, to run again, to take more time and money.

What if it doesn’t work? What then? Do we give up? Do we walk away?
How can we afford more treatment?
At what point is enough enough?
Will there ever be a point where we feel that we have tried everything and can walk away with no regrets?

I have to stay positive. I have to stay focused. I have to keep trusting in God and his plan and his timing.
But I’m tired. I don’t want to run again. I don’t want to hope again. I don’t want to be disappointed and let down again.

All I know is that God is good. All the time.
All the time, God is good.

God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
God. Is. Good.

PCOS and Me

I thought I should share the start of my journey with you, of how it all started.

I finding writing is an outlet for me. When I can’t find the words to verbalise what I’m thinking or feeling I find writing helps me make sense of it all. After writing for a few months and discovering some incredibly encouraging blogs I felt inspired to share my journey in the hopes that someone will read my story and think “me too. I’m not alone in this” and hopefully from that they find encouragement and hope.

So. How did this all start?
Well,┬áthis particular post is about to become detailed and maybe even a little tmi so feel free to stop reading now…

In mid 2011 I went to the doctor as I hadn’t had a period in three months. I was fairly certain that I wasn’t pregnant. I hadn’t taken a pregnancy test but I was sure that I would know if I was pregnant. I’d often skip a month here or there during the course of a year. But I’d never skip more than one month so I knew something wasn’t quite right.

After talking with the doctor she ordered some blood tests. One was to check that I wasn’t pregnant, which we were both sure I wasn’t after I did a urine pregnancy test at the doctors, another was to check hormone levels and another was to rule out poly cystic ovarian syndrome (pcos). She assured me that it was extremely likely that I didn’t have pcos as I didn’t have the most common signs of the syndrome: I’m not overweight, I don’t have excess body hair or thinning hair or problems with acne. It was a test to rule out what we both thought wasn’t the problem.

Fast forward a few days. I ring the nurses office to get the results.
I was expecting to be told that Im not pregnant.
I was expecting to be told that I do not have pcos.

Im not sure what I was expecting to be told.

But I was rocked to my core when the nurse said, “results from blood test are….yes. you have pcos.”
(I cant begin to describe to you the tone and the matter of factness this result was told to me.)

I begin to cry.

“So Im not pregnant?” I whisper
[I know this a completely ridiculously question that I already knew the answer to but it was the first thing that popped out of my mouth. I put it down to shock.]

“No. Definitely not. A letter has been sent to you from your doctor. You should get it tomorrow”
and with that we hung up.
I stood there, at work in absolute shock as tears ran down my face.
I had no idea what pcos was exactly but I knew I didnt want it.

The next day the letter arrived. It actually said what the nurse said. A whole page that had my address, two sentences – “your results show you have pcos. Please make a follow up appointment” – and the doctors signature.

So I naturally did what anyone would do in my position.
I consulted the internet.
Its a scary place sometimes.

Six months later, after more blood test and scans and then finally a referral to a fertility specialist, Grant and I are getting medical assistance to – hopefully – get pregnant. On January the 1st I started my first round of treatment and took half a tablet.

I’ve since found out that while the medication ‘did its job’ I was not able to conceive this month. Fingers crossed for next month!

While we are utterly devastated we do remain hopeful that this will work and believe that in God’s perfect timing this will happen.