Fathers Day

Here in good ol’ New Zealand it’s Father’s Day today. At church there was a big celebration, songs and items, prayers and blessings for the fathers.

And that’s when it hit me. Again.
I should’ve prepared myself, but it honestly didn’t enter my head. All week at work we’ve been making and creating crafts with the kids and it didn’t enter my head once.

Grant may never be a father.

And I can’t help but feel like I’ve let him down. It’s my fault.

I know it’s not something I wanted to happen. No one chooses infertility. People choose to not have kids, but they have the choice.

We may have that choice taken from us. Decided for us.

And it’s all because of me.

I know that Grant doesn’t see it this way. He’s nothing but supportive, encouraging and kind. He doesn’t blame me or feel like its my fault. And I know deep down that its not. But sometimes that’s where my thoughts go. Somedays I’m not a happy bright ray of sunshine. Sometimes I have dark wandering thoughts.

So suddenly sitting in church became hard. It was hard to sit there and hear the prayers and stories and praise and encouragements for fathers. Because I know that my Grant will be an awesome dad, just like his dad and just like mine. And I hate that he may never get the chance to be one.

Our Pastor also spoke about plans and purposes today. And it was just what I needed to hear and be reminded of. I believe that God has a plan for Grant and I. I believe that this journey we are on has a purpose and that at the end, whether the end is parenthood or not, there will be something beautiful and good. Because that’s just who my God is.

One of the biggest things for me about infertility is if we don’t have kids what kind of legacy will we leave?

My thinking around legacies is changing. Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean that we can’t leave a legacy. I just need to change my view of what our legacy can be. I don’t have any answers yet, maybe a few vague ideas at most, but I’m excited and hopeful about the prospect that God had a plan and a purpose for our lives. And right now it may not be what we thought it would be but I know that God is in control. And He is walking with us, beside us, before us, every step of the way along this journey.

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Jumbled

These past few days I have been feeling very blah. There has been a lot going on in my head and it hasn’t been making me feel very good.

Its a very hard time.
There’s been lots of things rolling around in my head. I’m hoping that writing these things down will be enough to get them out…

Grant and his attitude towards church and his relationship with God came to a head on Sunday and I called him up on how I saw things. And he didn’t really have much to say. I talked about how I feel like he’s not interested in church. It feels like he makes little effort to go. He promised when he took the job at the store that he would go to night church but he rarely wants to go. Life group is the furtherest, least like church, group we could possible attend. I feel like it’s a cop out. I argued that he should want to go to church to the point of if I didn’t want to go at night he would still go. He replied he wouldn’t go without me. I said how come he expects me to attend church by myself. He didn’t have a reply for that. And so I’m feeling frustrated.

Am I being too hard on him? Am I expecting to much? What do I do? Do I continue to bring it up? Freeze out church related conversations? Or do the opposite? Talk so much about it he feels like he’s missing out? I don’t know what to do.

But there’s so much more going on than just this.
There’s money and mortgages and making the right, wise decision over what bank to go with – that has also been weighing heavily on my mind. I want to make a wise decision but it’s hard when you don’t understand the fine print. Or the big print for that matter.

What am I doing with my life?
This question has been plaguing me so much the last few days. It hit me like a bolt of lightening out of nowhere on Sunday. I believe I am called to speak. I believe I have been called to work in orphanages overseas. But I can’t see how it’s going to come about. I can’t shake this feeling that it’s going to pass me by. This opportunity, this calling will pass me by. There’s a stirring in my heart for these callings, there’s always been a stirring. But I don’t understand how it will come about. I don’t understand what I need to do or not do to get there. I know God has a plan for my life and I want to live in it. It all seems so far out of my reach, but I guess that’s why its God’s calling and not my calling. I know that if its meant to be then God will bring it about. But I am feeling impatient. I want all that he has for me and my family. I want to be all that I can be but I don’t know how to lay hold of it.

There is also the overwhelming desire to have a baby, frustration over lack of periods, wanting to get the timing right around going away and shifts at work.
There has also been a desire to enjoy the now – pre-baby but not being able to really appreciate it because of the overwhelming desire to have a baby and all the other worries and concerns that are plaguing my mind. I know life isn’t going to be rosy once I have a baby. In fact life will be significantly harder. I will have to work and be a full time mum. I will have to operate on no sleep and no money. Yet I can’t help but think that my life will truly begin once I have a baby. I know I couldn’t be more wrong but this is how I feel.

God! We need your help. I need you. Be my anchor.
I choose to trust that nothing is a surprise to you. Nothing is too big or strong or difficult or messy for you. I choose to hope in you. I choose to believe that you make all things good. And I choose to believe that you have perfect timing. Help my unbelief. Help my impatience. Help my frustrations. Grant and I need you.