I have not been sleeping well this week.
During the day I longed for home time, and bed time. I promised myself I will go to bed early.
And some nights I did, others I stayed up later than I should have.
But it didnt seem to matter.
Once the lights were off my brain switched on.
My body may be tired but my brain is ready to run marathons.
I think about a myriad things.
I find myself making lists, and lists of lists of things that need to be done now.
I think about
Our (potential) new house and all the things that need to be sorted
Infertility and babies and our plan
And its overwhelming.
And Im tired and its escalating things.
And its become a bit of a cycle.
Im feeling impatient. I want to start organizing our house now.
I want to know whats happening with my infertility now.
I want everything now, now, now.
I want to know whats happening with Grants fertility now.
I mentioned in my last post our grand plan for baby making. And it started with my lovely husband providing the lab with a sample to test. He has already done this once and they said he was fine, not great, but fine. So we werent worried, it was a routine thing.
However he got a call from our specialist this week saying that the latest sample doesn’t look good and wants to retest him. If they get the same result then we cannot do the ovulation induction. We cannot do the fsh injections because the chances of it working is too small.
It would mean that we have one chance left. One round of ivf. And an 18 month ish wait for our turn at our one shot.
Surprisingly I’m not too worried about only potentially have one shot left. Its the not knowing, the long wait we have before we find out whether we can do the injections or not. Im frustrated that we had a plan, and that we were feeling so hopeful and sure. And now we are back to the unknown.
So much is unknown. And Im learning that this is ok. And that there can be a sense of joy in this.
Im learning to trust that God is in control, and that I can let things go to Him. And when I do, the weight lifts.
Sharing how Im feeling to Grant, and having him just listen helps more than words can describe. There is so much to do but we are writing a list and are going to cross things off one step at a time.
Through this journey I’ve learnt that when I’m tired and overwhelmed by the weight of all that’s heaped on my plate, that’s when I need to run to Jesus for comfort, hope, joy and peace. I hope I never stop running.