Overwhelmed

I have not been sleeping well this week.
During the day I longed for home time, and bed time. I promised myself I will go to bed early.
And some nights I did, others I stayed up later than I should have.
But it didnt seem to matter.
Once the lights were off my brain switched on.
My body may be tired but my brain is ready to run marathons.
I think about a myriad things.

I find myself making lists, and lists of lists of things that need to be done now.

I think about
Our (potential) new house and all the things that need to be sorted
Our future
Our health
Infertility and babies and our plan

And its overwhelming.
And Im tired and its escalating things.
And its become a bit of a cycle.

Im feeling impatient. I want to start organizing our house now.
I want to know whats happening with my infertility now.
I want everything now, now, now.
I want to know whats happening with Grants fertility now.

I mentioned in my last post our grand plan for baby making. And it started with my lovely husband providing the lab with a sample to test. He has already done this once and they said he was fine, not great, but fine. So we werent worried, it was a routine thing.
However he got a call from our specialist this week saying that the latest sample doesn’t look good and wants to retest him. If they get the same result then we cannot do the ovulation induction. We cannot do the fsh injections because the chances of it working is too small.

It would mean that we have one chance left. One round of ivf. And an 18 month ish wait for our turn at our one shot.

Surprisingly I’m not too worried about only potentially have one shot left. Its the not knowing, the long wait we have before we find out whether we can do the injections or not. Im frustrated that we had a plan, and that we were feeling so hopeful and sure. And now we are back to the unknown.

So much is unknown. And Im learning that this is ok. And that there can be a sense of joy in this.
Im learning to trust that God is in control, and that I can let things go to Him. And when I do, the weight lifts.
Sharing how Im feeling to Grant, and having him just listen helps more than words can describe. There is so much to do but we are writing a list and are going to cross things off one step at a time.

Through this journey I’ve learnt that when I’m tired and overwhelmed by the weight of all that’s heaped on my plate, that’s when I need to run to Jesus for comfort, hope, joy and peace. I hope I never stop running.

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Moving Forward

Lots has been happening lately.

First off we have, conditionally, bought a house. Obviously we are super excited about it and have a two week wait of a different kind! We have two weeks to get all the conditions met and if everyone signs off then the house is ours! It’s been a busy few weeks house hunting, organizing people and businesses, meetings with the bank and making big decisions. The house is amazing and we are praying that everything comes together.

While all this has been going on we also have had a few health things going on. Grant had minor surgery on his hand yesterday so I’ve been playing nurse as he can’t use his left hand. I’ve also done potential nerve damage to my hand and got a sinus infection. On top of all this my doctor did a routine blood test and now thinks I have slight anemia so this week I have to have more blood tests to check my iron. I’m completely surprised by this and I’m not worried about it at all, it’s just a hassle more than anything. This weekend we have been relaxing at home and concentrating on getting better. We make a fine pair!

This week we also had our meeting with the fertility specialist.

I think the biggest piece of news is that we qualify for public funding. This means we do not need to pay for any further treatment. It’s overwhelming thinking about how lucky and blessed we are to qualify as there is no way we could afford to keep trying. Thank you God for public funding!

Moving forward we have a plan and this is great because there is finally an end date on this. It’s a relief to know that if the treatments don’t work then we can happily walk away knowing we have done everything we possibly can to create a family. It’s also a relief to know that there is a plan of attack and to know exactly what it will entail.

So once all the funding paperwork is signed off we will begin fsh injections as part of the ovulation induction process. I will have to inject myself once a day for a maximum of four weeks. During this time I will be having numerous blood tests and scans. They are unsure about the dosage so they will start me off with small amounts and increase once they determine how my body responds. If I over respond then the cycle is cancelled. If I under respond, and nothing happens after four weeks, then the cycle is cancelled.

So we are funded for four cycles of fsh injections. If they don’t work then we are funded for one cycle of ivf. There is an 18 month waiting list for ivf and we are unable to get onto the list until we have tried the four rounds of fsh injections. After this, if it doesn’t work, then we can walk away knowing we have no regrets. Obviously we are being positive and hoping that the first cycle of injections work but its nice to know there is a plan if it doesn’t.

I’m feeling much more relaxed about the injections after having the nurse walk us through it. At first I was so unsure about injecting myself but Grant is willing to inject me if I find I can’t do it. I’m so lucky to have someone who is supportive and caring.

This week Grant is having another sperm sample tested. He was tested over a year ago and there were no issues so we are expecting the same result. This test is just routine as we have decided to go with iui or insemination of Grants sperm when the fsh injections cause me to ovulate. This is to ensure that the sperm end up in the right place. Kind of like doubling our chances, because we will also have sex when I’m ovulating. I know it’s quite a “medical” process but ivf is so medical and involved and it can’t hurt to increase our chances of getting pregnant. It would be awful to finally get the injection dosage correct, ovulate and not get pregnant. (This actually happened the first round of clomiphene, it worked perfectly and I just didn’t get pregnant. Then my body never responded to clomiphene again).

I’ve been advised to stop the herbal treatments as the doctors are unsure about how the herbs will react to the injections so I have stopped taking them. It was too early to know if it was having any affect on my cycle but I have no regrets on giving it a go, even if it was for a short time.

So there’s lots going on at the moment but we are feeling positive, hopeful and excited about the very certain future that’s before us.

No Man’s Land

The news is in. The results have arrived.
And I find myself in a strange place between hope and hopelessness. Its an odd place to be in. A state of not knowing how I feel. Or even how to respond or act. A place of almost fickleness. A constant moment of time where I’m trying to figure out how I feel about this and how I should be feeling. I find myself conscientiously thinking about how I am going to think and talk about it. Because thoughts become words which becomes belief and action.

In twenty minutes two pieces of news that wasn’t great.
Not bad or terrible. Just not great:

1. We don’t have the deposit amount we thought we needed or had for our house.
2. My blood test results weren’t great.

We need more money. More money requires more time. And I am past patient. I am past biding my time. I want my house and I want it now.

Yet.

Everything the broker man said made sense. The more money we save the better off we are in the long run. He talked so honestly and realistically. Which is exactly what I needed (but didn’t want) to hear.
More money. More time.
Big decisions for Grant and I on what we do now. Because we can go with our bank now or we can go with the broker later. It seems wiser to go with the broker. But we have to wait and save.

I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of hoping.
I’m tired of believing for something to be told yet again to wait, to run again, to take more time.

And then during this meeting the call comes.
My blood tests results aren’t great. My hormone levels just aren’t high enough.

But.

They are going to test again.
They are going to scan anyway.

And.

I have acupuncture appointment before the blood test and scan.

So there’s still hope.
A miracle can still happen.
All is not lost.

And yet.
I’m not sure I can hope again.
I’m not sure I can stay positive about this.

I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of hoping.
I’m tired of believing for something to be told yet again to wait, to run again, to take more time and money.

What if it doesn’t work? What then? Do we give up? Do we walk away?
How can we afford more treatment?
At what point is enough enough?
Will there ever be a point where we feel that we have tried everything and can walk away with no regrets?

I have to stay positive. I have to stay focused. I have to keep trusting in God and his plan and his timing.
But I’m tired. I don’t want to run again. I don’t want to hope again. I don’t want to be disappointed and let down again.

All I know is that God is good. All the time.
All the time, God is good.

God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
God. Is. Good.

Jumbled

These past few days I have been feeling very blah. There has been a lot going on in my head and it hasn’t been making me feel very good.

Its a very hard time.
There’s been lots of things rolling around in my head. I’m hoping that writing these things down will be enough to get them out…

Grant and his attitude towards church and his relationship with God came to a head on Sunday and I called him up on how I saw things. And he didn’t really have much to say. I talked about how I feel like he’s not interested in church. It feels like he makes little effort to go. He promised when he took the job at the store that he would go to night church but he rarely wants to go. Life group is the furtherest, least like church, group we could possible attend. I feel like it’s a cop out. I argued that he should want to go to church to the point of if I didn’t want to go at night he would still go. He replied he wouldn’t go without me. I said how come he expects me to attend church by myself. He didn’t have a reply for that. And so I’m feeling frustrated.

Am I being too hard on him? Am I expecting to much? What do I do? Do I continue to bring it up? Freeze out church related conversations? Or do the opposite? Talk so much about it he feels like he’s missing out? I don’t know what to do.

But there’s so much more going on than just this.
There’s money and mortgages and making the right, wise decision over what bank to go with – that has also been weighing heavily on my mind. I want to make a wise decision but it’s hard when you don’t understand the fine print. Or the big print for that matter.

What am I doing with my life?
This question has been plaguing me so much the last few days. It hit me like a bolt of lightening out of nowhere on Sunday. I believe I am called to speak. I believe I have been called to work in orphanages overseas. But I can’t see how it’s going to come about. I can’t shake this feeling that it’s going to pass me by. This opportunity, this calling will pass me by. There’s a stirring in my heart for these callings, there’s always been a stirring. But I don’t understand how it will come about. I don’t understand what I need to do or not do to get there. I know God has a plan for my life and I want to live in it. It all seems so far out of my reach, but I guess that’s why its God’s calling and not my calling. I know that if its meant to be then God will bring it about. But I am feeling impatient. I want all that he has for me and my family. I want to be all that I can be but I don’t know how to lay hold of it.

There is also the overwhelming desire to have a baby, frustration over lack of periods, wanting to get the timing right around going away and shifts at work.
There has also been a desire to enjoy the now – pre-baby but not being able to really appreciate it because of the overwhelming desire to have a baby and all the other worries and concerns that are plaguing my mind. I know life isn’t going to be rosy once I have a baby. In fact life will be significantly harder. I will have to work and be a full time mum. I will have to operate on no sleep and no money. Yet I can’t help but think that my life will truly begin once I have a baby. I know I couldn’t be more wrong but this is how I feel.

God! We need your help. I need you. Be my anchor.
I choose to trust that nothing is a surprise to you. Nothing is too big or strong or difficult or messy for you. I choose to hope in you. I choose to believe that you make all things good. And I choose to believe that you have perfect timing. Help my unbelief. Help my impatience. Help my frustrations. Grant and I need you.