Fathers Day

Here in good ol’ New Zealand it’s Father’s Day today. At church there was a big celebration, songs and items, prayers and blessings for the fathers.

And that’s when it hit me. Again.
I should’ve prepared myself, but it honestly didn’t enter my head. All week at work we’ve been making and creating crafts with the kids and it didn’t enter my head once.

Grant may never be a father.

And I can’t help but feel like I’ve let him down. It’s my fault.

I know it’s not something I wanted to happen. No one chooses infertility. People choose to not have kids, but they have the choice.

We may have that choice taken from us. Decided for us.

And it’s all because of me.

I know that Grant doesn’t see it this way. He’s nothing but supportive, encouraging and kind. He doesn’t blame me or feel like its my fault. And I know deep down that its not. But sometimes that’s where my thoughts go. Somedays I’m not a happy bright ray of sunshine. Sometimes I have dark wandering thoughts.

So suddenly sitting in church became hard. It was hard to sit there and hear the prayers and stories and praise and encouragements for fathers. Because I know that my Grant will be an awesome dad, just like his dad and just like mine. And I hate that he may never get the chance to be one.

Our Pastor also spoke about plans and purposes today. And it was just what I needed to hear and be reminded of. I believe that God has a plan for Grant and I. I believe that this journey we are on has a purpose and that at the end, whether the end is parenthood or not, there will be something beautiful and good. Because that’s just who my God is.

One of the biggest things for me about infertility is if we don’t have kids what kind of legacy will we leave?

My thinking around legacies is changing. Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean that we can’t leave a legacy. I just need to change my view of what our legacy can be. I don’t have any answers yet, maybe a few vague ideas at most, but I’m excited and hopeful about the prospect that God had a plan and a purpose for our lives. And right now it may not be what we thought it would be but I know that God is in control. And He is walking with us, beside us, before us, every step of the way along this journey.

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Overwhelmed

I have not been sleeping well this week.
During the day I longed for home time, and bed time. I promised myself I will go to bed early.
And some nights I did, others I stayed up later than I should have.
But it didnt seem to matter.
Once the lights were off my brain switched on.
My body may be tired but my brain is ready to run marathons.
I think about a myriad things.

I find myself making lists, and lists of lists of things that need to be done now.

I think about
Our (potential) new house and all the things that need to be sorted
Our future
Our health
Infertility and babies and our plan

And its overwhelming.
And Im tired and its escalating things.
And its become a bit of a cycle.

Im feeling impatient. I want to start organizing our house now.
I want to know whats happening with my infertility now.
I want everything now, now, now.
I want to know whats happening with Grants fertility now.

I mentioned in my last post our grand plan for baby making. And it started with my lovely husband providing the lab with a sample to test. He has already done this once and they said he was fine, not great, but fine. So we werent worried, it was a routine thing.
However he got a call from our specialist this week saying that the latest sample doesn’t look good and wants to retest him. If they get the same result then we cannot do the ovulation induction. We cannot do the fsh injections because the chances of it working is too small.

It would mean that we have one chance left. One round of ivf. And an 18 month ish wait for our turn at our one shot.

Surprisingly I’m not too worried about only potentially have one shot left. Its the not knowing, the long wait we have before we find out whether we can do the injections or not. Im frustrated that we had a plan, and that we were feeling so hopeful and sure. And now we are back to the unknown.

So much is unknown. And Im learning that this is ok. And that there can be a sense of joy in this.
Im learning to trust that God is in control, and that I can let things go to Him. And when I do, the weight lifts.
Sharing how Im feeling to Grant, and having him just listen helps more than words can describe. There is so much to do but we are writing a list and are going to cross things off one step at a time.

Through this journey I’ve learnt that when I’m tired and overwhelmed by the weight of all that’s heaped on my plate, that’s when I need to run to Jesus for comfort, hope, joy and peace. I hope I never stop running.

On Repeat

Free by CCC Youth Oxford Falls:

with you I am free
you give me no worries
like the sun you warm my heart
and I’ll follow without a doubt

{ chorus }
now I face the future hand in hand with you
and your spirit freshens my soul like waters new
your peace it stills my busy mind
you are holding me

Everything works out for good
for those who love the Lord
so blessed am I with you
always, always, always

and I will not bow down to this world
and I will praise your name for you are worthy.

For years this has been my ‘go to’ song when I’m feeling stressed/worried/unsure. The video is a little average but it was the best version I could find.

I love how peaceful and beautiful this song is. It never fails to remind me of Gods goodness, grace, peace and that he is always holding me in the palm of his hand.