I had a recent comment on one of my posts about men and how this infertility journey for them can sometimes seem so different to ours, mainly because they aren’t quite so vocal about it. Which I think is true.
Grant has been an awesome supporter of me in this journey. He’s held me while I’ve cried. He’s listened and not tried to fix things. He’s offered advice and reminders (although not always wanted!) about being a good friend to my fertile, pregnant friends. He’s attended appointments and asked questions. He’s been involved and he’s shown up, strong and resilient, through all of this. And he’s been willing to put up with crazy mood swings, the most awesome side effects of the drugs, even without the highly desired end result.
I started writing because I felt so overwhelmed by this whole infertility journey and emotions and it seemed as if Grant didn’t feel the same. I could tell that he was upset by the doctors report, but it just didn’t seem like he felt the same way as me. He wasn’t as vocal as me.
I’ve really been working on how I’m feeling and dealing with everything. Trying to be honest and real and allow myself the opportunity to really process each emotion. While at the same time trying to move on to acceptance and peace. And I think I’m starting to get there. I’m starting to feel like, for now, I’m in a good place.
And that’s when my husband voices his feelings.
This past week he’s made a couple of passing comments. When I told him I was feeling nauseous (a very out of character feeling) he said, “maybe you’re pregnant.” At first I laughed it off. It was just a passing comment. But he kept finding different ways to mention it.
So tonight I asked him about it. Because clearly I’m not pregnant. (It’s not that I don’t think God can perform a miracle and I can get pregnant naturally. It’s just I’m not pregnant right now.)
He replied that he was speaking it out.
He was speaking pregnancy over my life. He was speaking hope, and expressing his desire for a baby.
I’ve always worried that this journey will affect his faith. And here he is speaking in faith. (Thank you God!) I don’t ever want to knock down his faith and I wouldn’t dream of asking him to stop his comments, now that I know his heart behind the comments.
He did couple it with bringing up how yesterday we heard of three different people being pregnant. He spoke of how unfair it all felt. How he doesnt want to become bitter, but that he was sick of hearing about other people.
Basically, he is feeling all the things I have been feeling for the past year and is finally voicing it to me.
The silver lining I’m choosing to see here is that I’m in a good place, and he’s now chartering a course I’ve already sailed. It’s now my chance to be his rock. To listen, to sympathize. To help him navigate this journey. I’m so glad now that I asked him about his comments this week because he opened up in ways I never could have foreseen.
This journey is far from over. Although we are biding our time til April 2015 we obviously still have a lot to work through together. And we are going to take it one step at a time. I’m looking forward to the day where we are both in a good place of peace, hope and faith – whether we have children or not.