It’s been a while since I last posted, about 10 months or so. At the time my husband and I were struggling with sharing our infertility with people, while also wrapping our heads around ivf and the 18 month waiting list for our one shot at making two become three.
We decided to make the most of what we had. We decided we would enjoy being child free while we waited for our ivf turn. We dreamed and schemed an “amazing” child free 18 months. But at the back of our minds wondered what if. What if our one shot fails. What if we never become parents – what then? What was God’s plan and purpose for us?
We decided to let it go. Let go of the worry. Let go of planning and controlling the situation. We decided to make the most of now and enjoy the season God had in store for us.
It wasn’t easy.
It’s never easy to let go your deepest dreams and desires. But we did, or we tried our hardest too. We chose to live in the now, while hopeful for the future, we decided to be present in the now.
It had been a month or so of living this way when my husband and I were in the supermarket. “I should get a pregnancy test” I said to hubby.
He looked at me bewildered. “Actually, scrap that. I have no idea where that came from” I hastily added.
I literally had spoken without thinking. I had no reason to need a pregnancy test, and I had some at home anyway.
The next day (Monday) I couldn’t stop thinking about the pregnancy test. I decided to ignore myself. Tuesday, the feeling that I needed to test grew stronger. That night I vowed to take the test the next morning to quieten the crazy voices in my head. By the time morning came I had talked myself out of testing. There was NO WAY I was pregnant. All day I was completely consumed with this need to test. But yet again I talked myself out of testing. I was only going to set myself up for heartbreak. Thursday was even worse, I was a complete space cadet at work. At lunchtime I text my husband and said I was going to take the test that night while he was at work. That way when it said not pregnant I could have a good cry without making him feel awkward. I figured this would be very cathartic for me and maybe a release of bottled up emotions. I decided to take it at night because there was more of a chance of it being negative. Crazy I know.
So I get home, make and cook dinner for one and finally manage to get up the courage to test. I’m ready for my big cry session.
I take the test. Looked down and…..only one line.
Not pregnant I noted.
Just as I thought. Why would I expect anything different I berated myself.
I finished up in the bathroom and picked up the test to throw it away when something caught my eye….
The second line had appeared.
I laughed. Nervously.
Before slowly walking out to the kitchen where I placed it on the bench before going into the lounge and continuing to watch tv.
Every so often I would walk back to the kitchen to look at the test before going back to the lounge.
Back and forth I went. In complete. numb. shock.
After sometime I realised I could pick up the test and take it with me. I spent the rest of the night holding the test, checking every 30 seconds that the lines were still there.
I had to wait 6 hours for my husband to come home.
The longest 6 hours of my life. I was in so much shock that I didn’t think of how to tell him. I had no ingenious or creative ideas on how to tell him. I just waited, agonisingly, for him to get home and then shoved it in his face when he leaned in to kiss me hello.
Husband, was of course, shocked. His immediate response was, “how did this happen?!”
Ahhhh honey surely you know about the birds and the bees by now!
What unfolded though wasn’t the most magical, incredible time of my life.
Instead I became consumed. Consumed with fear. I was CONVINCED that this baby would be taken from me. I could not see this pregnancy coming to fruition. It was too good to be true.
While I believed God could do a miracle, I just didn’t think I would recieve one. What logic that was based on, I’ll never know!
I didn’t want to tell people, or even blog- even after the 12 week “safe” period because I was waiting for the inevitable loss. It got so bad I had to reach out for prayer. The more I was consumed with fear, the more I was sure it was going to happen because I was stressing myself out about it so much.
Prayer worked. I began to feel a peace and a joy about being pregnant. I decided to choose not to let the negative thoughts weigh me down. Instead I decided to focus on the positive and because of this I was able to finally enjoy my pregnancy.
My due date was estimated to be the 10th of August 2014. However, after over 50 hours of labour, finishing with an emergency c section, my husband and I welcomed into the world, on the 24th of August, our own little perfect miracle – a SON!
There was no medical intervention, no ivf, nothing was planned or charted. Instead we gave our dreams of parenthood over to God and decided to let him take control.
We are consumed in love for our miracle. We are in awe of God’s great mercy, grace and kindness.
In Jeremiah 29:11- the message version, It talks about Gods great plan and purpose for our lives, and it ends with “and I will make sure you are not disappointed.”
For those of you who are still waiting for your miracle, do not lose heart. God had a great plan for your life. He will not disappoint you. I pray for you ladies, that you will know the joy of parenthood and that fear and loss will not be a part of your lives. Take heart, God has something great in store for you!
I know you’re probably thinking, it’s easy for me to say these heartwarming, faith filled things because my prayer has been answered. While it has, the truth behind these words still remain true. God only has the best in mind for everyone and has a great, deep, abiding love. Trust in Him, the best is yet to come!