My Dad was away for a lot of my childhood, his work took him traveling around the world so when he was home he often wanted to rest or he had jobs to do and things to catch up on. So I clearly remember it was a surprise one rainy Saturday when he came to my brothers and I and suggested a game of monopoly. We eagerly agreed.
Things turned sour though when one of us decided we’d had enough and started counting the money to see who had the most (and therefore the winner.) Dad interrupted our counting to announce that a game didn’t end when you’ve had enough, the game ended when everyone, bar one player, was bankrupted.
A long game ensued. Loooooong. And painful.
And that’s how I’m feeling now.
It feels like everything is far more difficult than it should be. That this waiting is long and painful. And I just hope that it doesn’t end with emotional or spiritual bankruptcy.
I hate waiting.
I’m sick of being patient.
I’m tired of hearing scripture about patience.
It’s long and painful.
The weeks are limping along and I hate wishing my days and my life away.
We have to wait at least a week and a half to find out if Grants second sample test attempt is good enough for oi injections or whether we will need to skip them and go straight to ivf. Because the specialist who makes that call has gone on holiday. (Lucky them)
If we do go on to ivf, it has an 18 month waiting list.
We’re also waiting two weeks to move into our new house because we can’t move in sooner for a host of reasons, one being that the moving truck is booked.
I’m so frustrated.
I just want to know now.
I want it all now.
I want to move now.
I’m feeling very impatient.
I understand that this could be seen as a good lesson in patience and trust in Gods timing. But it’s a lesson I don’t want to learn (stamps foot and tantrums enough to put a two year old to shame.)
I know God has perfect timing. I have seen it so many times. God has come through in ways I could never imagine. Most recently this has been with our house. At the time it felt like we were missing out on some great houses because the timing was all out. But now, on the other side of the waiting we can see how God has moved and how this house is so so perfect for us, more so than all the other houses we ‘fell in love with.’ This house is a complete blessing, I see that now. And I know deep down that this infertility journey is going to be a similar situation. I know God has perfect timing. I know he works all things for good. I know he has a plan for us. I just wish he’d hurry up about it.
Here in good ol’ New Zealand it’s Father’s Day today. At church there was a big celebration, songs and items, prayers and blessings for the fathers.
And that’s when it hit me. Again.
I should’ve prepared myself, but it honestly didn’t enter my head. All week at work we’ve been making and creating crafts with the kids and it didn’t enter my head once.
Grant may never be a father.
And I can’t help but feel like I’ve let him down. It’s my fault.
I know it’s not something I wanted to happen. No one chooses infertility. People choose to not have kids, but they have the choice.
We may have that choice taken from us. Decided for us.
And it’s all because of me.
I know that Grant doesn’t see it this way. He’s nothing but supportive, encouraging and kind. He doesn’t blame me or feel like its my fault. And I know deep down that its not. But sometimes that’s where my thoughts go. Somedays I’m not a happy bright ray of sunshine. Sometimes I have dark wandering thoughts.
So suddenly sitting in church became hard. It was hard to sit there and hear the prayers and stories and praise and encouragements for fathers. Because I know that my Grant will be an awesome dad, just like his dad and just like mine. And I hate that he may never get the chance to be one.
Our Pastor also spoke about plans and purposes today. And it was just what I needed to hear and be reminded of. I believe that God has a plan for Grant and I. I believe that this journey we are on has a purpose and that at the end, whether the end is parenthood or not, there will be something beautiful and good. Because that’s just who my God is.
One of the biggest things for me about infertility is if we don’t have kids what kind of legacy will we leave?
My thinking around legacies is changing. Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean that we can’t leave a legacy. I just need to change my view of what our legacy can be. I don’t have any answers yet, maybe a few vague ideas at most, but I’m excited and hopeful about the prospect that God had a plan and a purpose for our lives. And right now it may not be what we thought it would be but I know that God is in control. And He is walking with us, beside us, before us, every step of the way along this journey.