It’s just not fair.
Yesterday I found out that my dear friend is pregnant. Within mere weeks of going off the pill. She has no idea about cycle lengths, or when ovulation occurs. She’s never tracked cm, tested her temperature or pee’d on an ovulation stick. She’s never planned to get pregnant. She claims they hardly ever have sex. And somehow they happen to get pregnant without trying. For the second time.
It just screams injustice.
Well not really. It’s what’s meant to happen. It just hasn’t happened this way for me and therefore it’s not fair.
Which I understand is a little selfish.
Truthfully, and surprisingly, I was genuinely happy and excited for them the moment I heard.
Although, I did cry myself to sleep last night.
And then had cruel dreams over and over about being pregnant. Because sometimes life has to be extra cruel.
And today, all day, I’ve been on the verge of tears. Today I have a roller coaster of emotion. Emotions. Up and down. Tormenting me. I don’t want kids. I want kids. I don’t want kids….
Who cares what I want when I don’t get the choice. My biology has already decided for me hasn’t it?
Grant said to me last night that I can’t get bitter. I can’t let this impact my friendship with them and I was almost offended. I know this, I didn’t know why he had to purposefully say this to me. It felt like he was getting at me, pointing the finger and attacking me. Maybe it landed just a little too close to home. But today I saw the wisdom of his words as I had to start myself on the journey of actively choosing to be happy for them. I genuinely want to be. But I can see that there are going to be moments where this will be really hard. But its going to be worth it. I don’t want my friends to hold back their excitement and joy because of me and my issues. I want to choose to celebrate new life not despise it or them for being blessed. I want to be a part of the wonderful journey rather than being isolated in the dark corner wrapped up in a bitter pity party. I’m going to acknowledge my feelings (to mostly myself, Grant, God and you my followers) because I think that is healthy but I’m going to choose to be happy for my friends.
And so, in the spirit of celebration, I managed to go look at and purchase baby items for them today. And I wasn’t even teary eyed. Wrapped it and wrote a card and everything without a single watery eye.
However, during work today E would mention something like eating chocolate made her feel sick and other various pregnancy related statements and I would feel my eyes begin to water.
I may never know that feeling.
I may never understand what that is like.
Then I look around the room at the children at work and I think of all the parenting nightmare stories that I hear daily, and I think about the hard work that parenting is and I feel relieved.
How can I be beside myself, barely keeping it together one minute and literally the next minute utterly and completely relieved?
Is it because I’m trying to save myself the heartache of being childless now? Better to rip the bandaid off now than tomorrow. Or are these dreams and desires of having children, that I’ve had since I was young, something that I’ve desired because I’ve convinced myself that this is what I’ve always wanted?
I find myself being short with Grant and I know it has nothing to do with him at all. It’s my own mixed up crazy bag of issues and its so unfair for me to outlet it on him. And I don’t realize I’m doing it until the words are already out of my mouth. Cringe.
I’m trying to be real and authentic, while also stopping and thinking before speaking, so I’m not stamping all over my beloved at the same time.
It’s a hard journey.
I’ve been thinking about our meeting with the specialist next week and what they might say and what we might do. Part of me is done. I don’t know how much more I can cope with. Yet another part of me tells me not to give up yet, that I should travel every option so I don’t look back over my childless life when I’m 50 and regret not taking the chance.
But getting pregnant via ivf (or whatever medical intervention we go with that somehow, miraculously works) because I don’t want to regret it later and not because I actually want a baby, is no reason to have a baby. I realize that lots of people have babies for worse reasons but I just can’t accept this.
In all honesty I think I really do deeply desire a baby and all this is my way of trying to cope with the idea that this dream may never come to pass.