I have not been sleeping well this week.
During the day I longed for home time, and bed time. I promised myself I will go to bed early.
And some nights I did, others I stayed up later than I should have.
But it didnt seem to matter.
Once the lights were off my brain switched on.
My body may be tired but my brain is ready to run marathons.
I think about a myriad things.

I find myself making lists, and lists of lists of things that need to be done now.

I think about
Our (potential) new house and all the things that need to be sorted
Our future
Our health
Infertility and babies and our plan

And its overwhelming.
And Im tired and its escalating things.
And its become a bit of a cycle.

Im feeling impatient. I want to start organizing our house now.
I want to know whats happening with my infertility now.
I want everything now, now, now.
I want to know whats happening with Grants fertility now.

I mentioned in my last post our grand plan for baby making. And it started with my lovely husband providing the lab with a sample to test. He has already done this once and they said he was fine, not great, but fine. So we werent worried, it was a routine thing.
However he got a call from our specialist this week saying that the latest sample doesn’t look good and wants to retest him. If they get the same result then we cannot do the ovulation induction. We cannot do the fsh injections because the chances of it working is too small.

It would mean that we have one chance left. One round of ivf. And an 18 month ish wait for our turn at our one shot.

Surprisingly I’m not too worried about only potentially have one shot left. Its the not knowing, the long wait we have before we find out whether we can do the injections or not. Im frustrated that we had a plan, and that we were feeling so hopeful and sure. And now we are back to the unknown.

So much is unknown. And Im learning that this is ok. And that there can be a sense of joy in this.
Im learning to trust that God is in control, and that I can let things go to Him. And when I do, the weight lifts.
Sharing how Im feeling to Grant, and having him just listen helps more than words can describe. There is so much to do but we are writing a list and are going to cross things off one step at a time.

Through this journey I’ve learnt that when I’m tired and overwhelmed by the weight of all that’s heaped on my plate, that’s when I need to run to Jesus for comfort, hope, joy and peace. I hope I never stop running.


Moving Forward

Lots has been happening lately.

First off we have, conditionally, bought a house. Obviously we are super excited about it and have a two week wait of a different kind! We have two weeks to get all the conditions met and if everyone signs off then the house is ours! It’s been a busy few weeks house hunting, organizing people and businesses, meetings with the bank and making big decisions. The house is amazing and we are praying that everything comes together.

While all this has been going on we also have had a few health things going on. Grant had minor surgery on his hand yesterday so I’ve been playing nurse as he can’t use his left hand. I’ve also done potential nerve damage to my hand and got a sinus infection. On top of all this my doctor did a routine blood test and now thinks I have slight anemia so this week I have to have more blood tests to check my iron. I’m completely surprised by this and I’m not worried about it at all, it’s just a hassle more than anything. This weekend we have been relaxing at home and concentrating on getting better. We make a fine pair!

This week we also had our meeting with the fertility specialist.

I think the biggest piece of news is that we qualify for public funding. This means we do not need to pay for any further treatment. It’s overwhelming thinking about how lucky and blessed we are to qualify as there is no way we could afford to keep trying. Thank you God for public funding!

Moving forward we have a plan and this is great because there is finally an end date on this. It’s a relief to know that if the treatments don’t work then we can happily walk away knowing we have done everything we possibly can to create a family. It’s also a relief to know that there is a plan of attack and to know exactly what it will entail.

So once all the funding paperwork is signed off we will begin fsh injections as part of the ovulation induction process. I will have to inject myself once a day for a maximum of four weeks. During this time I will be having numerous blood tests and scans. They are unsure about the dosage so they will start me off with small amounts and increase once they determine how my body responds. If I over respond then the cycle is cancelled. If I under respond, and nothing happens after four weeks, then the cycle is cancelled.

So we are funded for four cycles of fsh injections. If they don’t work then we are funded for one cycle of ivf. There is an 18 month waiting list for ivf and we are unable to get onto the list until we have tried the four rounds of fsh injections. After this, if it doesn’t work, then we can walk away knowing we have no regrets. Obviously we are being positive and hoping that the first cycle of injections work but its nice to know there is a plan if it doesn’t.

I’m feeling much more relaxed about the injections after having the nurse walk us through it. At first I was so unsure about injecting myself but Grant is willing to inject me if I find I can’t do it. I’m so lucky to have someone who is supportive and caring.

This week Grant is having another sperm sample tested. He was tested over a year ago and there were no issues so we are expecting the same result. This test is just routine as we have decided to go with iui or insemination of Grants sperm when the fsh injections cause me to ovulate. This is to ensure that the sperm end up in the right place. Kind of like doubling our chances, because we will also have sex when I’m ovulating. I know it’s quite a “medical” process but ivf is so medical and involved and it can’t hurt to increase our chances of getting pregnant. It would be awful to finally get the injection dosage correct, ovulate and not get pregnant. (This actually happened the first round of clomiphene, it worked perfectly and I just didn’t get pregnant. Then my body never responded to clomiphene again).

I’ve been advised to stop the herbal treatments as the doctors are unsure about how the herbs will react to the injections so I have stopped taking them. It was too early to know if it was having any affect on my cycle but I have no regrets on giving it a go, even if it was for a short time.

So there’s lots going on at the moment but we are feeling positive, hopeful and excited about the very certain future that’s before us.

On Repeat

Free by CCC Youth Oxford Falls:

with you I am free
you give me no worries
like the sun you warm my heart
and I’ll follow without a doubt

{ chorus }
now I face the future hand in hand with you
and your spirit freshens my soul like waters new
your peace it stills my busy mind
you are holding me

Everything works out for good
for those who love the Lord
so blessed am I with you
always, always, always

and I will not bow down to this world
and I will praise your name for you are worthy.

For years this has been my ‘go to’ song when I’m feeling stressed/worried/unsure. The video is a little average but it was the best version I could find.

I love how peaceful and beautiful this song is. It never fails to remind me of Gods goodness, grace, peace and that he is always holding me in the palm of his hand.

Teary Eyed Heartbreak

It’s just not fair.

Yesterday I found out that my dear friend is pregnant. Within mere weeks of going off the pill. She has no idea about cycle lengths, or when ovulation occurs. She’s never tracked cm, tested her temperature or pee’d on an ovulation stick. She’s never planned to get pregnant. She claims they hardly ever have sex. And somehow they happen to get pregnant without trying. For the second time.

It just screams injustice.
Well not really. It’s what’s meant to happen. It just hasn’t happened this way for me and therefore it’s not fair.
Which I understand is a little selfish.

Truthfully, and surprisingly, I was genuinely happy and excited for them the moment I heard.
Although, I did cry myself to sleep last night.
And then had cruel dreams over and over about being pregnant. Because sometimes life has to be extra cruel.

And today, all day, I’ve been on the verge of tears. Today I have a roller coaster of emotion. Emotions. Up and down. Tormenting me. I don’t want kids. I want kids. I don’t want kids….

Who cares what I want when I don’t get the choice. My biology has already decided for me hasn’t it?

Grant said to me last night that I can’t get bitter. I can’t let this impact my friendship with them and I was almost offended. I know this, I didn’t know why he had to purposefully say this to me. It felt like he was getting at me, pointing the finger and attacking me. Maybe it landed just a little too close to home. But today I saw the wisdom of his words as I had to start myself on the journey of actively choosing to be happy for them. I genuinely want to be. But I can see that there are going to be moments where this will be really hard. But its going to be worth it. I don’t want my friends to hold back their excitement and joy because of me and my issues. I want to choose to celebrate new life not despise it or them for being blessed. I want to be a part of the wonderful journey rather than being isolated in the dark corner wrapped up in a bitter pity party. I’m going to acknowledge my feelings (to mostly myself, Grant, God and you my followers) because I think that is healthy but I’m going to choose to be happy for my friends.

And so, in the spirit of celebration, I managed to go look at and purchase baby items for them today. And I wasn’t even teary eyed. Wrapped it and wrote a card and everything without a single watery eye.

However, during work today E would mention something like eating chocolate made her feel sick and other various pregnancy related statements and I would feel my eyes begin to water.

I may never know that feeling.
I may never understand what that is like.

Then I look around the room at the children at work and I think of all the parenting nightmare stories that I hear daily, and I think about the hard work that parenting is and I feel relieved.

How can I be beside myself, barely keeping it together one minute and literally the next minute utterly and completely relieved?

Is it because I’m trying to save myself the heartache of being childless now? Better to rip the bandaid off now than tomorrow. Or are these dreams and desires of having children, that I’ve had since I was young, something that I’ve desired because I’ve convinced myself that this is what I’ve always wanted?

I find myself being short with Grant and I know it has nothing to do with him at all. It’s my own mixed up crazy bag of issues and its so unfair for me to outlet it on him. And I don’t realize I’m doing it until the words are already out of my mouth. Cringe.
I’m trying to be real and authentic, while also stopping and thinking before speaking, so I’m not stamping all over my beloved at the same time.

It’s hard.
It’s a hard journey.

I’ve been thinking about our meeting with the specialist next week and what they might say and what we might do. Part of me is done. I don’t know how much more I can cope with. Yet another part of me tells me not to give up yet, that I should travel every option so I don’t look back over my childless life when I’m 50 and regret not taking the chance.

But getting pregnant via ivf (or whatever medical intervention we go with that somehow, miraculously works) because I don’t want to regret it later and not because I actually want a baby, is no reason to have a baby. I realize that lots of people have babies for worse reasons but I just can’t accept this.

In all honesty I think I really do deeply desire a baby and all this is my way of trying to cope with the idea that this dream may never come to pass.