I know I have written about praise and prayer this week. It’s because it’s what I’ve needed this week. It’s what has saved me from myself this week.
This week has been a hard week. I’ve been a little emotional, irrational and moody. I’ve been, as a workmate puts it, “a beastie”. I havent been sleeping well and that really hasn’t helped. I’ve been snarky and grumpy. There’s been a few nasty thoughts floating around in my head.
At the same time I’m trying very hard to keep it together. To “if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say it” as the saying goes. I’ve been trying to change my attitude by praising God despite the circumstances and praying scripture. And it has worked for periods of time. And then I find myself changing back to the snarling, emotional beast.
It can be so hard for my friends to really comprehend what I’m going through and how I’m feeling. And I completely understand that as some days even I don’t know how to really articulate how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. It is a jumble of a range emotions at any given time. There’s really no telling how I could feel at any given time. Which is why it’s hard sometimes to hang out with my friends.
Because the conversation will come up. They’ll ask how we’re going, what the latest plan is. They’ll share about their cousins neighbors sisters mothers niece who couldn’t get pregnant and then tried x (insert acupuncture/herbs/medicine/stopped thinking about it/holiday/miracle cure here) and got pregnant first try.
Some days I’m genuinely happy for them. I’m the ‘beauty’ character – I’m glad they haven’t had to journey down the paths I have. I see the good. I genuinely feel joy and excitement for them. And I’m interested to hear the praise reports of other people’s journey. It can raise my spirits and my hope.
This week. No. This week it all just seems unfair. Their stories just grate on me and I find myself wanting to poke my well meaning, caring friends, in the eyes with sticks and duct tape their mouths shut so they can’t say another word.
Did I mention I was feeling moody, irrational, snarky and grumpy?
Maybe I should add violent to the list.
Please note that I actually did not harm my friends in any way. I did not even voice my mean thoughts. Instead I said how lucky they were in their situation. Because they are, thanks to Gods grace and mercy. And later I prayed for them. And for myself. And things started to look better.
And then there would be another conversation with a different friend…hello beast!
I promised myself I would be real on here. It’s hard to admit that my attitude has been really stink this week. But the reality is, it’s the truth. Some days or weeks its just hard to function and be positive. I think it’s part of the grieving process and I’m learning that it is o.k for me to have these feelings sometimes and rather than pretending I don’t feel this way I can acknowledge them. It’s o.k for me to feel sorrow, pain and hurt at the very real possibility that my biggest dream and desire may never be realized. I know it can seem silly to grieve for something that hasn’t not happened yet so maybe grief isn’t the right word, but it’s the closest word I can think of that best describes the sorrow, heartache and deep longing for something that is out of my reach.
I think that maybe this week things have accumulated to a head, further whisked up by lack of sleep and bad dreams and its all mounted up to be too much and it’s gotten a little out of control. But when I address these thoughts and feelings by talking about them with Grant, writing it down or praying and talking to God, they no longer have control over me.
While I believe it’s o.k for me to cry, grumble, scream, despair and get frustrated and angry I don’t believe it’s o.k for these emotions to take permanent residence. They must be passing visitors. I will not let them settle in and take root in my life. Because these emotions are not me. I am not normally a grumpy, snarky, mean thinking person. And I don’t want to become bitter and twisted. So here I am being real, in this moment, about how I’m truly feeling on this emotional rollercoaster. But I know that peace, hope, patience, gentleness, kindness and love will prevail. Because I choose to recognize and stocktake what I’m thinking and feeling and turn it all over to God. Repeatedly. Because even when I don’t understand myself, he does. In His gentle, graceful and merciful way He reminds me again of His promises, truths, victories and love. And this helps me to pick myself up, change my perspective and carry on feeling more like ‘beauty’ than ‘beast’.