A year ago today I stood in the resource room at work and took the phone call that rocked my world.
Although I knew I wasn’t pregnant a small part of me was still hoping that I was. Hearing “you’re not pregnant” out loud was waaaaay worse than I ever thought it could be. It was a punch to the guts. The knock out punch was “and you have pcos.”
Like I said in an earlier post, I actually didn’t know what this was but I knew I didn’t want it.
I stood crying in the resource room for a while that day. Trying to get it together so I could go back to work and no one would know. I wasn’t very successful.
That night I rang my mum (who is a nurse) and cried to her. My world was over and I was never having children.
So a year later here we are.
It’s been a roller coaster of emotion. Which I don’t think everyone can understand. It’s not cancer. It’s not a death sentence. It’s not the loss of a limb or brain function. Yes, all those things are terrible, horrifying and tragic.
But I was still devastated.
Pcos comes with its own problems. It means I’m far more likely to get diabetes, heart conditions, or cancer. I will forever have to monitor my health, my exercise and eating. If I do get pregnant I have a slightly higher risk of miscarriage. If I get pregnant I could pass this onto my children. I may never get pregnant.
I may never have children.
And that’s the hardest thing of all.
I’m the girl who has wanted to be a stay at home Mum since I was a child. I’ve always looked after children, even when I was a child. My career is looking after other people’s children. I’m passionate about children and enjoy looking after them. And I really want to do that with my own.
I feel so lucky to have some amazing support from my family, friends and husband. Grant has been my solid supporter, comforter, listener, and encourager.
Now I’m working through this roller coaster of emotions and hope to come to a place where I’m happy and content whether we have children or not. Some days I have this nailed. Other days, not so much.
And I’m learning that this is ok. It’s ok for me to feel upset, scared, hopeless, doubting, overwhelmed and sad. Because my God can handle all that. And when I give it to him the burden of these emotions lifts and my perspective changes. When I’m feeling these emotions He is my rock, my peace, my hope.
With my head held high I’m looking forward to this next year and all that will surely come. This journey is far from over.
(Thanks Pinterest for this!)