I’ve been thinking lately about God and limits. About how I shouldn’t be limiting God. Not limiting God through my self imposed rules, regulations, thoughts, ideas. Not looking back on past experiences on how things did or did not work. But rather, instead of using that as an excuse to have a small, minimal view of God, believing in a God who can do all things. Thereby un-limiting God in my life.
It sometimes seems quite assuming, to me, that I would think that little old me could limit this big, powerful, ‘nothing is impossible’ God moving in and through me. And I get that. Who am I to stop God from moving? All I know is that I want nothing to hinder what God has in store for Grant and I.
My Pastor says, “most people want a God big enough to carry all their problems and burdens, but a God small enough for them to get their minds around. We can’t have it both ways.”
I know my perception of God and my infertility has room for improvement. But I do believe that no matter the outcome of this particular journey we are on, that God is bigger. I have to believe that God is big enough to handle my fears, doubts and questions. Yet I can struggle with comprehending what all this actually means.
The reason why idols, [metaphorical] gold calves, money or people are so easy for the world to believe in is because we can physically touch, see and comprehend.
But with God…we can touch, and see and I guess to a certain extent, comprehend. But it’s different. It’s a different touch, a different sight and what we do comprehend is so minute, minuscule, microscopic in comparison to how great, majestic, powerful, graceful, holy, awesome God is.
Even these few chosen words do not do justice in beginning to describe God. The bible says that the train of his robe fills the temple with glory. Just the bottom bit. The bit that drags along on the ground can fill an entire temple with the glory of God. The bible also says that the angels constantly, 24/7 cry out “holy, holy” because they are so in awe of God that that alone is all that they can say or do. That just his name, just saying his name, once, has the power to move mountains, save a person, persons, city, nation.
My God. My God. What do I know of you?
I’ve been asking myself how I think I limit God. When? Where? How? Why? But I don’t think I honestly want to ask myself or even answer. Or ask God to show me how I limit him. Because then I have to act. Then I have to do something. Then I have to change. Which is what I want. Which is what I don’t want. And so there is this battle is raging within me.
I want to be this person the bible says I am. The daughter of the living King. A person of authority, and purpose. A great woman. A warrior. Yet, it takes sacrifice. Sacrifice of laziness, of self-doubt, of fear, of caring what other people think, of complacency, of lip-service and actually actioning what I hear, what I believe, what I say. To get off the couch and do, physically do something. And that’s scary. It’s scary because it’s what I want. Yet, it’s what I don’t want.
I know that I’ve come to a place where I desperately want to believe that God can, and will, move in my life and provide us with a baby. And I don’t want my doubts, fears, stubborn independence or inability to give up control to get in the way. I need God in this journey because there is no way I can navigate it by myself. He is my hope, my strength, my joy. And I’m looking forward to getting to know God better and going deeper in my relationship with God. I’m looking forward to finding new ways to allow God to move, unlimited, in and through my life.