So far I have had four rounds of ‘treatment’ over six months. Six months of taking tablets, having blood tests, scans, meetings and appointments, prayer and acupuncture.
With very limited result.
So far its been an interesting journey, especially for a control freak like me.
You can believe that I have asked many questions in an effort to understand. I have tried exercise. I have tried dietary changes. (According to numerous sources I shouldn’t eat gluten, sugar, foods with a high G.I, fast food and a whole host of other things. It really doesn’t leave much. Especially because I’m a fussy eater anyway. It got to the point where I was loosing a lot of weight. A lot. As a small, slender person I didn’t have much weight to loose. So I’ve just cut down on these foods instead until I can meet up with a nutritionist). I have tried acupuncture. I have tried praying and fasting (and continue to do so).
I have tried many, many things.
Infertility is not cheap.
It costs money.
It costs strength.
It costs hope.
It costs thinking space.
And it can cost relationships.
Some days its hard to be joyful with others who are pregnant, or have just had a baby. It can be so so hard. It can take a real effort to not go down the “why them and not me?” path. It takes a conscience effort to remain positive some days. But deep down I know that there is no life, no hope going down that path. It can only led to more heartache and bitterness.
Do I want people to shy away from telling me their news? From inviting us to share in their family time? No. And No again. And. Sometimes yes. But I want to be told anyway. I want to be invited anyway.
Because on other days it takes little effort to share in the joy of others. I really cant predict how I will feel on any set day. On these days its like a beacon of hope – this can happen to me too. I can share in their joy because my answer is prayer is just around the corner. I have to believe that.
I want to choose to be joyful in other peoples pregnancies and children, regardless of whether I ever have children or not, because I don’t want to become bitter and resentful. I want to share their joy because I want to celebrate the beauty of life with my friends. I don’t want to hide away in pain and sorrow.
Does that mean I fake being joyful? No.
I never want to be fake, I never want to pretend to be or feel something that I don’t. I want to be authentic and real. But at some point I must choose to shake the sorrow and pain and choose to be glad. Right now that is a daily, sometimes hourly, task. A task that I sometimes fail at. But I will continue to try.
In time, with Gods grace and mercy, I believe joy and gladness will no longer come about because of an active effort, but it will be second nature. I will be joyful. I will celebrate with others. I will hope. I will trust in God.
I will rejoice and be glad.