I don’t want to talk about it.
I. Just. Don’t.
And I’m wondering if maybe I should. If it would be healthier if I did so.
But I don’t want too.
Mainly because I think if I don’t talk about it then its easy to ignore what’s going on. And then I don’t have to make any decisions.
I’m worried about leaving a legacy. It’s been weighing on my mind.
All my life I have squirreled away special things in my ‘specials box’. Things that I’ve always imagined sharing with my children – “yes darling once upon a time your Mum was actually fun” or
“this is from the first date your Daddy and I had” and
“this represents a significant moment in my life because…” Things of significant importance to me that I’ve saved to share with my children. And. That. May. Never. Happen.
So what’s the point of keeping the box?
What’s the point of holding onto – what is essentially crap to anyone else – these treasures for them to be unceremoniously chucked out when I die?
What legacy will I leave if we don’t have children?
What is my purpose in life if I don’t have children?
What will I do with my life career wise if I don’t?
Part of me almost gleefully thinks of all the money I can save and how much we can travel the world if we don’t have children.
But what’s the point of seeing the world and having no legacy to leave beind in the end? What difference will I make? Is it silly of me to think that my (future) children could be my only legacy?
In the very core of my being I do believe that God has a plan for my life. I trust that God has a plan for me, regardless of whether I have children or not, that will bring Him glory. And this holy plan will have a legacy because His word is eternal, and its by His word that I live.