What Next?

Is it the beginning of the end?
At what point do we walk away?

At times I feel that I am preparing myself for walking away. Preparing myself for the conclusion that this is it. And then moments, yes mere moments later I can absolutely assured that there is no way this can be it. There has to be more. The best must be yet to come.

I feel so up and down. One minute I am perfectly fine with not having kids. Even slightly relieved. I think of all we will be able to do, the freedom we will have. And then
A moment later
I will be desperate. Utterly desperate for a baby. A deep longing. An intense longing that seems to be surely from God? Surely he gave me this desire for a reason?

I feel hopeless.
I feel caught. Do we go again? How long til we give up?

It’s getting harder and harder to hear of other people’s pregnancies. Some days its nearly unbearably harder. And on others I feel nothing but genuine excitement.

It’s getting harder and harder.

Occasionally I will think “I will never…” And I nearly lose it. In public.
But I don’t.

Now I fear I am suppressing how I am feeling. And that this cannot be good. But I cannot bring myself to talk about it. Even with Grant. For fear of loosing it. And I don’t want Grants faith to be knocked by my own lack.

If we do not have kids I don’t know what I will do with my life. I don’t know because I’ve always dreamt of being a stay at home mum, always surrounded by my kids and their friends. If this doesn’t happen I don’t know what I will do.

When Grant and I die, and we have no children, where will our legacy go?
If Grant dies first and we have no children would there be a point in me still living?

I just wish I knew now either way. I feel that if I knew that I would get pregnant then I would be able to endure this easier. My faith and hope would be strengthened in just the knowing that the promise is just around the corner. And alternatively, if I knew that I was not to have any children then I could start dealing with it now. We could start to move on and make plans. It is the not knowing that is the hardest.

Lord, help my unbelief. Strengthen my hope.

The other day I was thinking about the situation and couldn’t help but think of the song “you give love a bad name” I began to think this of God, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish the thought. Really, I know God is good and full of love for me. Even though it doesn’t make any sense to me. Even though it hurts bitterly and deeply. God is good. All the time. No matter the outcome. No matter the seemingly silent answers to our prayers and deep desires. I will choose to believe that God is good. Always. And forever. No matter what. And knowing this helps me endure for longer.


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