Murky Results

Had more tests and a scan today. Once again the results are neither good or bad.

Rather “wait and see”

I am past feeling positive and hopeful but rather find myself expecting negative results, in a self preservation type way.
If I expect nothing then I can’t be disappointed. If I expect nothing then nothing can hurt me.

I have not cried over this round. And I wonder if I’m bottling it up or if I’m really unaffected by it all.

And so it’s nearly time for decisions – only put off due to the week long wait for more tests and results.
But really a decision will still need to be made. What next? Where to from here?

Has it come to the beginning of letting go and walking away?
And if we do choose this path will we regret it?

I went back to work and looked at the children and wondered –
Will I be ok with working for the rest of my life? There will be no time off for babies, no maternity leave, no big pregnant belly. No feeling my baby kick and no weird food cravings.

Can I be surrounded by children when I can’t have my own?

And if not, and we don’t have kids then what do I do with my life?

Scooby Doo (My friend E’s gorgeous 2.5 year old daughter, and no, not their real names) was over playing and she is so gorgeous and normally watching her I have pangs of desire. But today I felt nothing. Is it because I’m beginning to come to terms with the idea of no babies or am I devoid of emotion and feeling in a state of denial?

I’ve always dreamed of being pregnant. Of having a beautiful baby girl.
Will I be okay with not having this?

Help me to change my negative language and thoughts Lord. Help me to see it differently, to let it go – to truly let it go. I release it to you Lord. Take it from me. It is a burden I no longer want to bear.

Hope is believing that God will honour his word, that his promises will surely come to pass. It is believing that the dreams and desires that I have, have been placed inside of me by God. It is a confident assurance that God knows me, my desires, my dreams, the very core of who I am, intimately – and better than I know myself. And in that knowing [of me] he loves me and desires the very best for me. He wants to bless me, to favour me, to shower me with good things. Not in a spoilt kind of way, but in a loving kindness that a Father has for his children. Hope is believing, trusting, knowing that God knows and will bring it to pass in his perfect timing so he may be honoured and glorified.
Hope is trusting God with my deepest desires and dreams and believing that they will come to pass BUT if they do not, hope is trusting that God, in his infinite wisdom, knows best.
Hope is daring to believe that things have changed and broken off even when it can’t be seen, yet. Hope is trusting that God is working the night shift in my life, and that one day the work he is doing in me, in secret, will be brought out into the light of day.


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