No Man’s Land

The news is in. The results have arrived.
And I find myself in a strange place between hope and hopelessness. Its an odd place to be in. A state of not knowing how I feel. Or even how to respond or act. A place of almost fickleness. A constant moment of time where I’m trying to figure out how I feel about this and how I should be feeling. I find myself conscientiously thinking about how I am going to think and talk about it. Because thoughts become words which becomes belief and action.

In twenty minutes two pieces of news that wasn’t great.
Not bad or terrible. Just not great:

1. We don’t have the deposit amount we thought we needed or had for our house.
2. My blood test results weren’t great.

We need more money. More money requires more time. And I am past patient. I am past biding my time. I want my house and I want it now.

Yet.

Everything the broker man said made sense. The more money we save the better off we are in the long run. He talked so honestly and realistically. Which is exactly what I needed (but didn’t want) to hear.
More money. More time.
Big decisions for Grant and I on what we do now. Because we can go with our bank now or we can go with the broker later. It seems wiser to go with the broker. But we have to wait and save.

I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of hoping.
I’m tired of believing for something to be told yet again to wait, to run again, to take more time.

And then during this meeting the call comes.
My blood tests results aren’t great. My hormone levels just aren’t high enough.

But.

They are going to test again.
They are going to scan anyway.

And.

I have acupuncture appointment before the blood test and scan.

So there’s still hope.
A miracle can still happen.
All is not lost.

And yet.
I’m not sure I can hope again.
I’m not sure I can stay positive about this.

I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of hoping.
I’m tired of believing for something to be told yet again to wait, to run again, to take more time and money.

What if it doesn’t work? What then? Do we give up? Do we walk away?
How can we afford more treatment?
At what point is enough enough?
Will there ever be a point where we feel that we have tried everything and can walk away with no regrets?

I have to stay positive. I have to stay focused. I have to keep trusting in God and his plan and his timing.
But I’m tired. I don’t want to run again. I don’t want to hope again. I don’t want to be disappointed and let down again.

All I know is that God is good. All the time.
All the time, God is good.

God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
God. Is. Good.

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