I talked, again, with Grant last night about my concerns about him and church. And this time I think we were both in the right head space to talk in an honest and real way.
I’m so glad that I can talk to him about anything and everything.
But the conversation broke my heart. He’s having a real crisis of faith. We talked about how unfair my condition is and how he truly prayed and cried out to God for the last round to work.
But it didn’t.
If God is a God who hears our prayers why didn’t he answer? When two or more are gathered He is there but he didn’t act. And so Grant has doubts.
And rightly so.
God. Why couldn’t you answer his prayer? How much more would he believe in you now? Now he’s hurt and disappointed and struggling with his faith.
Today, it all just seems so unfair.
Grant didn’t want to hear the platitudes of “God is good even when we don’t understand” he knows all the ‘correct’ responses to his thoughts and feelings but it doesn’t help him now. Just because you know the answer to your question, or the encouraging statements that follow on from ‘hard questions’ doesn’t make it less painful or disappointing.
Grant questioned, is God always good? Or is God a good and bad God? If he created the world knowing sin and death and disease was to come why did he do it anyway?
I love that Grant has questions and queries. Sometimes I think I believe what I do because I’ve been brought up that way. I’ve been taught to think and believe a certain way. I don’t necessarily think there is anything wrong with that but it does mean that my semi natural response is to think, “this sucks and it’s not what I want but I still believe God is good, God is for me and that good will come from this.” But Grant doesn’t. He thinks this sucks. Where is God? Is God good and bad? Does God care?
While some of these questions do break my heart they also cause me to stop and think and question what I believe and why I believe it. And I love that. I love thinking and discussing these hard topics, and really stretching and questioning what I believe and why. Sometimes its hard to put into words what you know and believe and I love that Grant and I got to be truly honest and open with each other. It was raw. It was heart breaking. It was beautiful.
I believe that God is moving in our situation, and in our hearts. I believe that God is working, even though its feeling awfully dark where we stand right now.
I believe that God is big enough to handle our questions and doubts and wonderings. I believe he will reveal himself to us, and that peace, hope and faith will continue to illuminate this rocky path before us.