These past few days I have been feeling very blah. There has been a lot going on in my head and it hasn’t been making me feel very good.
Its a very hard time.
There’s been lots of things rolling around in my head. I’m hoping that writing these things down will be enough to get them out…
Grant and his attitude towards church and his relationship with God came to a head on Sunday and I called him up on how I saw things. And he didn’t really have much to say. I talked about how I feel like he’s not interested in church. It feels like he makes little effort to go. He promised when he took the job at the store that he would go to night church but he rarely wants to go. Life group is the furtherest, least like church, group we could possible attend. I feel like it’s a cop out. I argued that he should want to go to church to the point of if I didn’t want to go at night he would still go. He replied he wouldn’t go without me. I said how come he expects me to attend church by myself. He didn’t have a reply for that. And so I’m feeling frustrated.
Am I being too hard on him? Am I expecting to much? What do I do? Do I continue to bring it up? Freeze out church related conversations? Or do the opposite? Talk so much about it he feels like he’s missing out? I don’t know what to do.
But there’s so much more going on than just this.
There’s money and mortgages and making the right, wise decision over what bank to go with – that has also been weighing heavily on my mind. I want to make a wise decision but it’s hard when you don’t understand the fine print. Or the big print for that matter.
What am I doing with my life?
This question has been plaguing me so much the last few days. It hit me like a bolt of lightening out of nowhere on Sunday. I believe I am called to speak. I believe I have been called to work in orphanages overseas. But I can’t see how it’s going to come about. I can’t shake this feeling that it’s going to pass me by. This opportunity, this calling will pass me by. There’s a stirring in my heart for these callings, there’s always been a stirring. But I don’t understand how it will come about. I don’t understand what I need to do or not do to get there. I know God has a plan for my life and I want to live in it. It all seems so far out of my reach, but I guess that’s why its God’s calling and not my calling. I know that if its meant to be then God will bring it about. But I am feeling impatient. I want all that he has for me and my family. I want to be all that I can be but I don’t know how to lay hold of it.
There is also the overwhelming desire to have a baby, frustration over lack of periods, wanting to get the timing right around going away and shifts at work.
There has also been a desire to enjoy the now – pre-baby but not being able to really appreciate it because of the overwhelming desire to have a baby and all the other worries and concerns that are plaguing my mind. I know life isn’t going to be rosy once I have a baby. In fact life will be significantly harder. I will have to work and be a full time mum. I will have to operate on no sleep and no money. Yet I can’t help but think that my life will truly begin once I have a baby. I know I couldn’t be more wrong but this is how I feel.
God! We need your help. I need you. Be my anchor.
I choose to trust that nothing is a surprise to you. Nothing is too big or strong or difficult or messy for you. I choose to hope in you. I choose to believe that you make all things good. And I choose to believe that you have perfect timing. Help my unbelief. Help my impatience. Help my frustrations. Grant and I need you.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
James 1:2 …whenever trouble comes your way let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
It’s my choice. I decide whether I will allow situations and circumstances to rule over my lives, my vision, my emotions or I can choose to let it be an opportunity to glorify God. It’s not about being fake and pretending to be happy when I am not really. Joy is not happiness.
Joy is truthful when, despite the circumstances we believe that God is for us and that God’s word will prevail and an unexplainable joy comes from that. This joy becomes our strength that enables us to endure anything, because it is not false.
Joy: delight, comfort, prize, pleasure, solace, support, treasure, wonder, satisfaction, triumph.
Strength: stamina, fortitude, stability, courage, potency, soundness.
Yes and amen
So easy to write about. Hard to live out. It’s hard to wait for timing to be right. It’s hard to wait for the things you long for the most.
Waiting sucks. It’s hard to live in the now but hope for the future. To appreciate now and all that is has, all the good and the bad. Cherish it. But also want more. And patiently wait for it. Because I can’t control it.
It’s hard to let go of control. It’s hard to trust that my patience is placed in the right hands.
I have to trust that God holds me in the palm of his hand.
I serve a God whose eye is on the sparrow. Who sees me. Who knows me. Who loves me just as I am in all my strengths, weaknesses, fears, doubts.
And this is the God I place my hope and my patience in.
I have to trust that God is for me. That God will never fail me. That his timing is perfect. And I so must be patient. I must fix my face. And I must praise him. Not because praising him will make anything happen any faster, but because he is worthy. Because he can be trusted no matter the outcome. No matter what.
My God will never fail me.
God is my healer. My provider. My hope is secure in him. Gods timing is perfect. Always.
God is good. All the time.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. Despite the situation. God is for me. God is for me. Despite me thinking I know best. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. Despite what the facts say. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. Despite me thinking I know better. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. God. Creator of the universe. Alpha and Omega. Lion of Judah. King of Kings. Jesus Christ. Salvation. Redeemer. Chief Cornerstone. Good Shepherd. Almighty. Father. Warrior. Prince of Peace. Jehovah. Yahweh. Lord of Lords. God is. He was and is and will be. Forever. God is. For. God is for – not against, He is not a big ogre waiting to smack me with a big stick. He is on my side. He is on my team. God is for me. Not against me. He is for me. Backing me. Loving me. Forgiving me. Extending to me mercy and grace. Wanting nothing but the best for me. God is for me. God is for me. God is for me. Knowing me better than I know myself. Knowing my heart. My desires. My hopes. My dreams. Loving me. Despite my thoughts. God is for me. My actions. God is for me. God is for me. Despite my rebellion, my sin. He sees me as spotless through the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ. As his beloved child. God is for me. Despite what everything else around me is telling me. Despite the facts, the situation, the advice and opinions of others, my thoughts, my heart. God is for me. I am his beloved. And he is for me.
I was in a dark place. Probably not the darkest I could have gone. But it wasnt pleasant.
It felt heavy.
It felt hopeless.
It felt like I was holding it together – but only just.
But after Passionate Conference I feel like I can run again. I can go again. Because my hope isn’t in a drug or a doctor but in God.
Pastor Ma Jeffares and Pastor Reggie Dabbs spoke amazing words in church in the weeks leading up to Passionate (Woman’s) Conference that was resonating within. They were setting the scene for me and Passionate Conference.
Here are some of my notes from both Pastors:
Passionate Womens Conference was amazing.
I’m so glad I went.
Leading up to the conference I really wasn’t interested in going. I didn’t want to go down to Wellington and have an entire weekend without my Grant. I wasn’t interested in attending another conference, hearing another speaker. I was in a bad place, I see that now. But one Sunday, when they were promoting the conference I felt powerfully compelled to go. I HAD to go. There was no two ways about it. Immediately I text Grant (he was at work) – I really try hard not to text in church during the word, as I feel its really rude, but I just had too. I had to check that it was okay if I went. Which, of course it was.
I’m so glad I went.
Every word was in season for me. Every word had moments that I’m sure were just for me. God ordained moments.
It was pretty scary the lead up to the conference, because I didn’t know what to expect – I just knew that I had to be there and that God would meet me. That can be pretty daunting! A date with God!
It was amazing, freeing, liberating, revealing, encouraging and inspiring.
The presence of God was amazing.
There are two quotes that have really resonated within me, and I’d love to share them with you.
The first is from Lady Joy Hill, the wife of Pastor Chris Hill. They are the Senior Pastors at Potter’s House in Denver.
“Delay isn’t denial. Every delay has a purpose.”
Really, I could post all my notes from all her sessions, but it wouldn’t make sense as it was hard to get it all down and listen and let God move and reveal himself. But I believe that this is such a powerful statement.
Following this Pastor Gillian Cameron, the wife of Pastor John Cameron (Senior Pastors of Arise Church in New Zealand) spoke and I captured this nugget of truth from her:
“Though the storm may rage around me it shouldn’t rage in me. God is my hope anchor.”
Yes and Amen!