Down Slide

I have some amazing friends. Friends who rally behind Grant and I. They champion us on, the encourage us, cheer for us and pray for us as we go on this journey. Here are some snippets of texts I got from them today 🙂

Hey babe, xox it’s ok next time 🙂 xoxo it will happen in Gods timing remember 🙂 he’s missing great opportunities but his time is coming xoxo
– Fi 

Hey anna!! I can’t imagine how you must feel!! The word that I keep getting for you is Gods report-remember that word Steve did ages ago about the 1st & 2nd report! even though the doctors are giving this report -I believe you and Grant will have an amazing family! Press into the faith you have in him. Love you both heaps xxx 
– Jesse

They are lovely. But right now, this is my response:
I know.
But I don’t want to hear it.
I know they are so encouraging, and supportive. I know that I will look back and re-read what they have sent and it will soothe my soul. It will make me smile and help me to rise up and go again. It will. But right now….?
I don’t want to pick myself up. Again. And run. Again. I don’t want to hope again. I don’t want to hurt again.
But the not hoping, the not going again is just as hard.
I want this. I want this so much.
And the frustrating thing is even if my body responded to the meds there was still no guarantee that it would work. The first round of treatment is testament to that.
We can’t even get out of the starting blocks.
We will not be having a baby in 2013.
Will we have one in 2014?
I don’t know.
What do we do now?
It’s hard.
I know God is for me. I know all the platitudes. And I believe it. In my core. But it’s hard not to let disappointment override what you know.
I just don’t feel God. I don’t feel his direction or wisdom.
What do we do now?
I think if I knew that we would have children then it would be easier to press on. But there’s no guarantee. None at all. We could keep pressing on for nothing. And I don’t want that. And I don’t think I can handle that.
Where is my crystal ball when I need it?
This evening I saw a family eating together at the food court. I saw a dad helping his son with his icecream while his beautiful daughter was talking away about everything and nothing.
Will I ever get to have that?
Will I ever get to watch Grant with our kids?
Thank you Lord for great, supportive and encouraging friends. Thank you Lord for surrounding us with cheerleaders who will champion us on when we don’t feel like it. Thank you Lord for being big enough to deal with our doubts, hurts, insecurities and desires.

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