I’m struggling. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster and I never know where it’s heading.
I had a great talk with Grant in the weekend about how I was feeling about everything and how maybe all these thoughts and feelings were why I haven’t been sleeping very well.
It felt good to talk it out. Grant is amazing – he listened and encouraged and supported me and reassured me that I’m not as crazy and messed up as I feared.
Work has changed for me. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I thought I was pregnant and that meant that I would be leaving work. I’m bored at work. And I know that’s largely up to me. I decide what’s happening for the day. If I’m bored then I need to get more creative with my activities and lessons. But I feel like its not longer a challenge and the only way I can get challenged is to go into a position of leadership but not only do I not want that stress and outside work hours work but I couldn’t do it anyway as I’m not qualified.
My Uncles funeral also made me realize that this isn’t a forever job for me. This is a stepping stone to something else and for that reason I don’t think right now I can justify $5k on a year of study to get qualified. I often get told that I’m a leader, that I am called to leadership. Recently a friend told me that the only person who has a problem with me being a leader is me. Apparently I just don’t have enough faith in my own abilities. While there may be some truth in that I just don’t feel ready to be a team leader. And I’m not sure if this is the right place for me to take on a leadership role. I cant justify going back to study if I’m not 100% sure that this is the vocation for me. I don’t want to spend time and money on getting re-qualified to walk away after one or two years. It is not worth it. And so, for now, the decision is that I wont study. Not unless I become very sure.
There’s so much more I want to do and see. So much more to experience. But everything costs. Everything has a price.
At times it feels like I have to choose between kids and living a life doing everything I hope and dream of. Why can’t I have both?