Well this sucks.
This is hard. Just when I think I’m convinced that I don’t care about the outcome something happens and it’s suddenly abundantly clear that I do in fact care. A lot.
And I care so much that maybe it’s easier to just not go down this track at all. Maybe it’s just easier to call it quits now.
I don’t know how much more I can handle. I don’t know how long I can do this for. How long is long enough to have tried, and not succeeded, so that in the future I/we have no regrets?
Grant is so wonderful. I don’t know what I did right to have him. He’s everything and so much more. I was so gutted yesterday and so upset but I couldn’t be because I was at work.
And when I get home he has cheer up presents for me.
And lots of cuddles.
He is the best thing to have happened to me.
I’m so lucky.
So, so, so unbelievably lucky to be married to a man as good as him.
But the question is, where to from here?
How do we move forward in a positive, hopeful way? Do we keep trying? Do we stop? At what point do we give up? At what point do we say that we’ve tried all we can? I feel that if we stopped now its because it hurts so much when it fails. We’d be stopping so that it wouldn’t hurt any more, not because we were at peace with not having kids.
The more we try the more Grant seems to want a kid, it seems he wants one more than I ever thought he actually would. It felt, in the beginning that I was almost pressuring him into it. But now he’s just as upset as me. I don’t want it to get to the point where he’s had enough but I haven’t.
It’s hard. It’s a hard place to be in. It feels like a place that is at times hopeful, and at others, full of despair.
Although it seems dark right now, and we are travelling a hard, upward hill path I know that God is for me, for us. I know that in the midst of all this pain and longing that God holds us in the palm of his hand. Have I seen answer to my prayer yet? No? but I will continue to trust in God. I will continue to believe that his plan is good, that he is walking with us, and ahead of us. I will follow Him, I will praise Him, I will trust in Him. Because He is trustworthy, He is loyal, He is a promise keeping God. Even when it hurts. Even when it doesn’t make sense. I will believe that the best is yet to come, and it is coming.