Needles and Low Points

Well this sucks.

This is hard. Just when I think I’m convinced that I don’t care about the outcome something happens and it’s suddenly abundantly clear that I do in fact care. A lot.
And I care so much that maybe it’s easier to just not go down this track at all. Maybe it’s just easier to call it quits now.

I don’t know how much more I can handle. I don’t know how long I can do this for. How long is long enough to have tried, and not succeeded, so that in the future I/we have no regrets?

Grant is so wonderful. I don’t know what I did right to have him. He’s everything and so much more. I was so gutted yesterday and so upset but I couldn’t be because I was at work.
And when I get home he has cheer up presents for me.
And lots of cuddles.
He is the best thing to have happened to me.
I’m so lucky.
So, so, so unbelievably lucky to be married to a man as good as him.

But the question is, where to from here?
How do we move forward in a positive, hopeful way? Do we keep trying? Do we stop? At what point do we give up? At what point do we say that we’ve tried all we can? I feel that if we stopped now its because it hurts so much when it fails. We’d be stopping so that it wouldn’t hurt any more, not because we were at peace with not having kids.

The more we try the more Grant seems to want a kid, it seems he wants one more than I ever thought he actually would. It felt, in the beginning that I was almost pressuring him into it. But now he’s just as upset as me. I don’t want it to get to the point where he’s had enough but I haven’t.

It’s hard. It’s a hard place to be in. It feels like a place that is at times hopeful, and at others, full of despair.

Although it seems dark right now, and we are travelling a hard, upward hill path I know that God is for me, for us. I know that in the midst of all this pain and longing that God holds us in the palm of his hand. Have I seen answer to my prayer yet? No? but I will continue to trust in God. I will continue to believe that his plan is good, that he is walking with us, and ahead of us. I will follow Him, I will praise Him, I will trust in Him. Because He is trustworthy, He is loyal, He is a promise keeping God. Even when it hurts. Even when it doesn’t make sense. I will believe that the best is yet to come, and it is coming.

A Roller Coaster Ride of Emotion

I’m struggling. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster and I never know where it’s heading.

I had a great talk with Grant in the weekend about how I was feeling about everything and how maybe all these thoughts and feelings were why I haven’t been sleeping very well.
It felt good to talk it out. Grant is amazing – he listened and encouraged and supported me and reassured me that I’m not as crazy and messed up as I feared.

Work has changed for me. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I thought I was pregnant and that meant that I would be leaving work. I’m bored at work. And I know that’s largely up to me. I decide what’s happening for the day. If I’m bored then I need to get more creative with my activities and lessons. But I feel like its not longer a challenge and the only way I can get challenged is to go into a position of leadership but not only do I not want that stress and outside work hours work but I couldn’t do it anyway as I’m not qualified.

My Uncles funeral also made me realize that this isn’t a forever job for me. This is a stepping stone to something else and for that reason I don’t think right now I can justify $5k on a year of study to get qualified. I often get told that I’m a leader, that I am called to leadership. Recently a friend told me that the only person who has a problem with me being a leader is me. Apparently I just don’t have enough faith in my own abilities. While there may be some truth in that I just don’t feel ready to be a team leader. And I’m not sure if this is the right place for me to take on a leadership role. I cant justify going back to study if I’m not 100% sure that this is the vocation for me. I don’t want to spend time and money on getting re-qualified to walk away after one or two years. It is not worth it. And so, for now, the decision is that I wont study. Not unless I become very sure.

There’s so much more I want to do and see. So much more to experience. But everything costs. Everything has a price.
At times it feels like I have to choose between kids and living a life doing everything I hope and dream of. Why can’t I have both?

Leaving a Legacy

In the last few months I have had to attend two funerals. Two funerals of people who were larger than life. They were both people who impacted the lives of so, so many people. Regardless of age, gender, race – they just loved people. And they served them the best way they knew how. They served people just by being all that they were called to be. They didn’t try and be someone who they were not. They just did their thing and hundreds of people were impacted by it. Both funerals were packed out. Screens and TV’s had to be put up so the overflow rooms (yes rooms, not just one overflow room but many) could see and hear what was happening. They were both incredible, inspiring people.

Cancer is an evil b%^&@. I don’t understand it. And I probably never will. Its awful watching the one you love slowly slip away. Its hard to stand beside friends and family and try and support them as they watch their love ones fight for life.

Their funerals made me want to be a better person.

A person who is selfless
A person who lives to their full potential and encourages others to do the same
A person who uses their talents to help others
A person who encourages others
A person who loves others selflessly
A person who lives a full and happy life
A person who has an open home
A person who is generous
A person who leaves a legacy
A person who does mission work

Rest in peace, I look forward to seeing you again x