Negative

Dear God,

I thought you promised me.

I thought I heard you.
I thought I heard your voice.
“I’ve got this”
It arrested me. It was clear. It carried authority.
 

I thought I knew what you meant.

I had hoped.
Maybe I interpreted it wrong.
But then. I thought I would feel relief. Like perhaps this wasn’t  something I wanted after all.
I would be responsible for something I didn’t want. Responsible for something I had asked for.
Imagine getting what you wanted. Only to find out it wasn’t what you wanted after all.
It would be a lifetime of regret.
A life. Regretted.
 
And so the negative result.
Negative.
And I’m not relieved. [which is a relief]
And I’m not gutted.
More upset that you broke your promise.
Or what I thought you promised.
 
I don’t know if I can do this again.
I don’t know if I’ll regret not trying again.
 
I don’t know what I want.
Except I’m desperate for a strong drink.
Or two.

But I wont drink.
For I know that is not the solution.
Instead I will lean into you.
I will seek your presence, your peace, your comfort.
I will seek your voice again.

And then you say to me.
“I see you and all is well.”

I have to trust you. I have to believe that I heard you right. That your words will not fail, but will come to pass. In your perfect timing. Help me to be patient. Help me to be obedient. Increase my faith and my trust in you Lord.
Amen.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Yes, yes and amen.

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