I thought I should share the start of my journey with you, of how it all started.
I finding writing is an outlet for me. When I can’t find the words to verbalise what I’m thinking or feeling I find writing helps me make sense of it all. After writing for a few months and discovering some incredibly encouraging blogs I felt inspired to share my journey in the hopes that someone will read my story and think “me too. I’m not alone in this” and hopefully from that they find encouragement and hope.
So. How did this all start?
Well, this particular post is about to become detailed and maybe even a little tmi so feel free to stop reading now…
In mid 2011 I went to the doctor as I hadn’t had a period in three months. I was fairly certain that I wasn’t pregnant. I hadn’t taken a pregnancy test but I was sure that I would know if I was pregnant. I’d often skip a month here or there during the course of a year. But I’d never skip more than one month so I knew something wasn’t quite right.
After talking with the doctor she ordered some blood tests. One was to check that I wasn’t pregnant, which we were both sure I wasn’t after I did a urine pregnancy test at the doctors, another was to check hormone levels and another was to rule out poly cystic ovarian syndrome (pcos). She assured me that it was extremely likely that I didn’t have pcos as I didn’t have the most common signs of the syndrome: I’m not overweight, I don’t have excess body hair or thinning hair or problems with acne. It was a test to rule out what we both thought wasn’t the problem.
Fast forward a few days. I ring the nurses office to get the results.
I was expecting to be told that Im not pregnant.
I was expecting to be told that I do not have pcos.
Im not sure what I was expecting to be told.
But I was rocked to my core when the nurse said, “results from blood test are….yes. you have pcos.”
(I cant begin to describe to you the tone and the matter of factness this result was told to me.)
I begin to cry.
“So Im not pregnant?” I whisper
[I know this a completely ridiculously question that I already knew the answer to but it was the first thing that popped out of my mouth. I put it down to shock.]
“No. Definitely not. A letter has been sent to you from your doctor. You should get it tomorrow”
and with that we hung up.
I stood there, at work in absolute shock as tears ran down my face.
I had no idea what pcos was exactly but I knew I didnt want it.
The next day the letter arrived. It actually said what the nurse said. A whole page that had my address, two sentences – “your results show you have pcos. Please make a follow up appointment” – and the doctors signature.
So I naturally did what anyone would do in my position.
I consulted the internet.
Its a scary place sometimes.
Six months later, after more blood test and scans and then finally a referral to a fertility specialist, Grant and I are getting medical assistance to – hopefully – get pregnant. On January the 1st I started my first round of treatment and took half a tablet.
I’ve since found out that while the medication ‘did its job’ I was not able to conceive this month. Fingers crossed for next month!
While we are utterly devastated we do remain hopeful that this will work and believe that in God’s perfect timing this will happen.
I thought you promised me.
Pastor Phil Pringle (Senior Pastor and founder of C3 Ministries) has an awesome website – check it out here: http://www.philpringle.com
Today he wrote:
Dan 3:17-18 If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the fiery burning furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.”
When the three Hebrew young men refused to bow down before the false god, the King threatened them with a fiery death in the furnace. Their answer was that God COULD deliver them, but if He didn’t that’s ok also. Their integrity of devotion to God did not depend on whether He answered their prayers. They determined to worship God and no other regardless of whether it brought benefits. God Himself must mean more to us, than what He can do for us. Fellowship with God is the highest calling, of prayer – ‘that I may know Him.’ Happily, when they were thrown into the furnace, their bonds were loosed and they were not burned, (not even the smell of smoke on them), because Jesus was in the fire with them. Pure worship ensures Jesus is with us in our worst moments. Refuse to bow down to any other. Make Him Lord & He will be Emmanuel – ‘God with us!’